“You know the adage ‘People resist change.’ It is not really true. People are not stupid. People love change when they know it is a good thing. No one gives back a winning lottery ticket. What people resist is not change per se, but loss. When change involves real or potential loss, people hold on to what they have and resist the change.”
Ronald A. Heifetz
I know what you’re thinking. “Oh goodie, change and loss. This is going to be a real downer.”
And maybe you’re right. Or maybe you’re not.
Like fruit salad and Tuesdays, change and loss bring us a wide variety of experiences. All change is not created equal, nor is all loss. Life changes can range from simple and practical (parking on the other side of the street) to complicated and emotional (saying goodbye to a loved one).
The less emotionally stable and aware we are, the more we fear to lose what is important to us. And in the case of serious loss, it’s often difficult to define what exactly it is we are afraid to lose. It’s like being home alone and hearing a scary noise in the house. If you know that you locked the door, your alarm is on, and you have a weapon nearby, you’re going to be less concerned. If you have no idea what’s going on and you’re not sure if an alien is coming to abduct you or a burglar to take your flat-screen, things get pretty freaky pretty fast. Similarly, if you know what’s going on in your emotions and thoughts, and you know what could happen, it’s less scary.
Let’s make this less clinical and more personal, shall we? Because I love spilling my guts to you, apparently.
I’m experiencing a lot of changes in life right now – I may have mentioned this six or seventeen times on here already. One of the major changes over the past year was the marrying off of my roommate and my subsequent homelessness. Since I had a lot of other things going on as well, I didn’t have much time for assessing the situation. Consequently, the possible intruder, Loss, grew to twice his normal size and gained a very threatening aura. I didn’t want to confront him or check all the closets for signs of him and I certainly wasn’t willing to think what he might be after.
I didn’t want things to change since my roommate provided joy, stability, and quality time, plus basic human needs like water and shelter. I didn’t want to lose her. But was I really better off pretending it wasn’t happening or letting it color my other experiences of her? Did it help me to avoid the change or dread the loss?
Not really.
Do I still have to deal with the loss?
Yes.
I don’t really have a pretty bow for these thoughts, mostly because change and loss are just hard, and that’s that.
My only question for myself, and for you if you want it, is this: am I going to let the fear of loss control me and keep me from living fully? And if the answer is no, what can I do differently in order to be brave and present in the reality of loss?
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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