Baby Ashleyne

Do you ever wonder what your younger self would think of you now?

There are all those poems and songs about, “If I could write a letter to me as a teenager,” and those are great. But what if your younger self could talk to you?

I don’t really know why, but I’ve thought about this a lot lately.

If baby Ashleyne from The Awkward Years (I think I was at maximum awkward teenager levels around the age of 14) showed up here today, what would she think? Would she approve of me? Would she be disappointed? Concerned?

Heck, adult Ashleyne is concerned now. If my body hurts this much at 33, what is 66 going to be like?!

But let’s say Baby Ashleyne walked into my living room this evening, with all her angst and anxiety and blossoming clinical depression, sporting her American Eagle hoodie and cargo jeans (remember those??)

I’d invite her to sit on my couch, I’d make her a cup of coffee, even at 8pm, because I know that would make her happy, and I’d tell her about my life.

I’d tell her that I work for a church. (This would not surprise Baby Ashleyne the way it surprised Adult Ashleyne.)

I’d tell her that I’m on antidepressants and I have social anxiety and that life feels really, really difficult sometimes.

I’d tell her about my amazing friends and how supportive and fun and ridiculous they are.

I’d tell her that sometimes I still feel lonely in a crowd.

I’d tell her that I swear and drink whiskey and that I’m an athlete, which will all shock her.

And I’d tell her that there are new Star Wars movies to look forward to.

What would she say?

I try to picture it.

I think she’d mostly be excited. I think Baby Ashleyne, with her hopes and dreams of being free to make her own mistakes and have great friends and be an adult, would primarily be stoked about becoming Adult Ashleyne. And that’s in spite of my insistence that life is difficult and unexpected.

But I think she’d also have questions.

Questions about why I’m not happier when I have so many things that I wanted. Questions about why I don’t spend more time outside. Questions about why I don’t return my friends’ phone calls.

And I’m honestly not sure what the answers are. Why am I not happy with what I have? Why don’t I spend more time outside even when the weather is bad? Why don’t I return my friends’s phone calls even when I’m tired?

I genuinely don’t know yet. But I appreciate Baby Ashleyne asking, because I want to think about it.

I want her to be proud of Adult Ashleyne and the decisions she makes and the way she lives her life.

It’s a strange thing, looking back. So many things don’t turn out the way we think they will. And so much of life doesn’t feel like we thought it would.

What do you think? How would your younger self feel about you now?