I’ve been thinking a lot about intimidation lately. Like all humans, there are people on this planet who intimidate me, for a variety of reasons. But in recent months, my ongoing attempts to be emotionally and spiritually healthy have required that I look that intimidation in the eye and deal with it. I’m not enjoying it (mostly.) But it sure is teaching me a lot about myself.
See, I’ve been realizing that intimidation really says very little about the other person. Yes, there is the rare occasion where people purposely try to intimidate others – to be the big dog and scare others into submission – but for the most part that’s reserved for law enforcement, politics, and movies about mafia families.
Most of us don’t try to intimidate others on purpose. It’s usually either a result of our subconscious attempts to protect ourselves, or it actually has nothing at all to do with us and everything to do with the person who is intimidated. Which is what I’m realizing: if I’m intimidated by you, it says very little about you, and an awful lot about me.
I’m intimidated by a wide variety of people, at different levels and at different times. But what is consistent is that people who intimidate me possess qualities and strengths that I believe I lack or I feel self-conscious about. And I am especially intimidated if those people are confident in their qualities and strengths.
For instance: I experience social anxiety regularly, and I often feel self-conscious about my ability (or inability) to chat un-awkwardly with people about their lives. Small talk and I are never going to go on family vacations together. We’re just not that kind of friends.
Consequently, when I interact with people who are truly good conversationalists (not just chatty, but actually skilled at guiding and shaping a conversation without awkwardness) I find them intimidating. It reminds me of my discomfort, and reminds me of my past failures. Is that their fault? Of course not. Does it help the situation? Sure as heck doesn’t. (In case you couldn’t guess, I just become more awkward. It’s like a vicious awkwardness cycle.)
So, in contemplating this lately, I’ve determined that the best thing to do is go full-force into the intimidation. Like just strap on my goggles and jump out of the plane, parachute or no parachute.
Mostly, that has meant going full-force into hanging out with people who intimidate me. Saying things to myself like, “I am going to become friends with So-and-So even if it kills me. I will not back down. I will not be intimidated away. I am a strong woman, damn it!” Then texting So-and-So immediately to ask when we can hang out. And then panicking about it for the next 10-24 hours.
In fact, you who are reading this may very well be one of the people by whom I’m intimidated. And it’s not your fault. It’s mine. And I’m working on it. And I’m really glad I’m working on it, that I’m strapping on the goggles and jumping, because you are definitely worth getting to know better. (That said, please, for the love of cardiologists everywhere, be kind to me when you text me back.)
There have been some rough moments, for sure. Moments where my self-consciousness has reached peak levels and I have laid in bed until 2am wondering why I haven’t just spontaneously combusted yet (see Diagram A.) But I’ve also discovered that by leaning into relationships with people who intimidate me, I get to see both how hard they’ve worked for their strengths, and also that they have their own weak spots. Which, of course, I knew, because no one is perfect, but when you are in a real relationship with someone you see their weaknesses firsthand, and get to be part of helping them grow.
It’s really hard to be intimidated by someone when you’ve seen their dirty laundry, and you know that it smells.
Literally and figuratively.
So despite the sleepless nights and a few near combustions, I would recommend my method. Face that intimidation. Jump out of the plane. Get to know the people who intimidate you, and face your own weaknesses and insecurities. The free-fall is actually kind of exhilarating.
I’d love to know: what qualities or situations consistently intimidate you?
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