I recently realized that although I believe in a good God, I don’t believe he will give me good things.
That’s all. End of post.
Okay, I guess I’ll expand a little.
I watched Brené Brown’s Netflix special a few weeks ago (stop reading and go watch it if you haven’t yet), and she talked about how the most whole-hearted people she has studied are people who are grateful, people who see what they have and aren’t waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If something good is happening in my life, it feels like a weird and unusual thing, and likely to fall apart at any moment. So, basically, I’m not whole-hearted and experiencing life as fully as I could be. I do not look around the corner for good gifts from my good Father in heaven, I look around the corner for the next disaster, disappointment, or roadblock.
A month ago, KJ, my amazing roommate, got married, which meant I needed to move out. While she was on her honeymoon, I packed up my belongings and moved them to new locations (yes, plural locations) – but I just couldn’t make myself leave the condo. I opted to sleep on the couch instead of leaving, because my two years with KJ have been so good and I knew that leaving meant it was ending.
That’s when I realized I don’t believe my good God will give me good things. Of course, it’s perfectly healthy for me to grieve the loss of my great roommate, but I was grieving like I would never have another great roommate. Like everything is hopeless and a struggle from here.
It makes sense that I feel this way – I’ve certainly had some rough moments in my life, moments when I could not see the goodness of God. But there’s a difference between knowing that life can be rough and believing that life will always be rough. If I believe that life will always be rough, then I don’t really believe that God is good to me, and that he wants to bless me.
The trouble with this realization is that I don’t know what to do now. How do I begin to believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, when I cannot see anything good on the horizon?
I suspect that the answer is to remind myself one day at a time. To remind myself of the good things God has given me in the past. To believe today that God is not just good, but good to me. To drink coffee and eat ice cream and watch soccer and hang out with my friends, because those things tell me that God is good.
Do you believe that God is good to you? If so, how do you remember this when things get tough?
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