Have you noticed how much time we spend talking about food? At least, the people in my life do. What are we going to eat for dinner, I’m trying to not eat so much sugar, I ate too much sugar, I’m hungry, I’m full, what’s your favorite restaurant, why did I eat that third piece of cake, etc. etc. etc.
Food is basically a full-time job.
And sometimes it’s the worst job in the world.
But why? Why is food so complicated?
By the time I reached the ripe old age of 24, I realized I was addicted to food. I was living in the midwest, where carbohydrates are on par with church attendance. You eat them or you are publicly shamed. Add in the fact that I’d been using sugar to keep myself awake through closing shifts at Starbucks and early wake-ups for church rehearsal, and I thought about food almost every minute of every day. I would try to cut back, to diet, to find “moderation in all things,” but all I could do was think about food. It was incredibly unpleasant.
I finally got sick of it and started attending a 12 step program that included all kinds of addictions. I went and sat in the small group for food addiction. The people in that circle had serious eating issues as a result of difficult lives, and man was my empathy level for them high. They were both incredibly hurt and incredibly courageous people.
What I noticed while I sat in that circle on Friday nights was that my issue was less about actually overeating or undereating and more about thought spirals – although I was 10-15 pounds “overweight” according to traditional standards, my problem wasn’t actually what went into my mouth. It was what came out of my brain.
And that was when I came across the concept that food is not a moral construct. Which means that there is not good food or bad food or should eat or shouldn’t eat. Food is fuel, and we can use it that way. We do not have to attach shame or fear or guilt to what we eat.
This blew my mind. Eating a bag of potato chips at midnight was not “wrong.” I didn’t need to feel guilty, or to justify my choice. I just needed to recognize that it was a choice. I was doing it for a reason. Maybe because I’d had a rough day and I needed comfort. Or simply because I hadn’t consumed enough calories earlier in the day and my body was trying to catch up. No shame required. All I needed to do was notice the choice and the reason and then decide if I wanted to continue that choice or not.
Although I still, to this day, have odd eating issues and habits and am well-known for my love affair with ice cream, my relationship with food is very different now. Because how I treat food is neither good nor bad, it’s just a choice in my long string of choices I make every day.
I know this thought process won’t help everyone, so what about you? What things have been helpful to you in your relationship with food?
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