More Than One Thing

Here we are in the first week of July, which means it is time for my annual reminder to myself (and for me to share it with you whether or not you want to hear it – you’re welcome.) 

This is the reminder: things can be more than one thing. 

Discuss this amongst yourselves, I’ll check back with you later. 

I’m kidding. This reminder really is for me, so I need to ponder it a bit more than that. 

I was on a plane this week (which was weird, but that’s another story) and somewhere over Maryland I kept fluctuating between emotions: Am I sad? Am I weary? Am I excited? 

See, I was heading into a few days of vacation, a national holiday, and the anniversary of the death of a close friend. Good things, complicated things, hard things. 

As I said last year, I am both proud to be an American and also ashamed of my country. Independence Day is a fun reminder of that crazy, never-back-down spirit that started our nation, but it also reminds me of the ways we have failed, oppressed, and silenced whole groups of people. This holiday is more than one thing for me. 

And this year, going into a weekend of people and celebrations, my feelings are just as split, if not more so. I recognize that this is only a fun and happy weekend for most people, which is okay. But it’s complicated for me. I’m hopeful for change through relationships, and I’m also tired. I’m excited to spend time with my father on his 70th birthday (woot!), and I’m also missing my friend who has now been gone for four whole years. I’m happy for sunshine and hot dogs and cousins, and sad about division and hatred and injustice. 

A day can be both fun and difficult, a holiday can be both hopeful and depressing. There’s no solution, no one answer to make everything all good. Because in reality, things are messy and complicated, and they come with many emotions. 

So I’m trying to remember that again this weekend. It’s okay for things to be more than one thing. It feels difficult, but it’s real. I can’t get rid of the conflict and the mixed emotions. I can’t shut them away or shush them. I have to simply sit in them and accept that things are complex.