Author’s note: if you follow me in other places, i.e. the Living Box-Free podcast, you will notice that this post ties in with this week’s episode on friendship. First, I do not apologize for working smarter, not harder, by building on my own content. Second, this topic is very important to me and it deserves two spotlights in one week. Thank you, please subscribe below, and don’t forget to tip your bartender.
According to multiple studies, as reported by Psychology Today, friendships can be defined as having the following three characteristics:
- Positive
- Long-lasting
- Involves cooperation
In other words, the new person you met at a bar last week and hit it off with immediately and decided together that you were “destined” to be friends with, well…you’re not friends. According to science, that’s just an acquaintance; it’s not (yet) long-lasting.
The person you’ve known for 30 years, who was in your wedding, but who you haven’t talked to since Bush was president (either one)…not your friend. They were, and they could be again, but they’re not currently. It’s not cooperative (you’re not consistently interacting with, assisting, supporting, or advising one another.)
The person you hang out with, text with regularly, have known for a while, who complains to you about their life and never (or very rarely) asks you how you’re doing, or inspires you, or advises you well, or helps you in a positive way? Not your friend. Sure, we all hurt or annoy each other sometimes, but if their overall impact is not positive, they are not really your friend.
I was out to lunch with a new friend (we’re working on the “long-lasting” portion) and a new acquaintance recently, and they both mentioned that they don’t have a lot of female friends because they are “not about the drama,” and most of the girls they knew in the past were tres dramatique.
I sincerely hope that y’all know by now: I am not about the drama. (I even have a “No Drama Llama” t-shirt to prove it, given to me by a true friend.) I’ve been in the middle of drama and it’s, like, seriously the worst. (Read that in a Jersey Shore accent, please.) Consequently, my immediate internal reaction to their statements went like so: “Then you’ve never had real female friends.”
Because drama is not positive. Drama – complaints, gossip, insults, bickering, disloyalty, etc. – does not have a positive impact on your life. Those people are not your friends.
Here’s what I want you to hear: if you are wary (or weary) of having friends because you are “not about the drama,” or you don’t want to carry the full weight of the friendship, or it takes you a while to open up to people, then you just haven’t found the right friends yet.
You’re not necessarily doing it wrong. You’re just trying the wrong people.
I was going to tell you how I know (by describing my friends to you) but honestly this post is already long and preachy enough. It’s Friday and you guys surely have other things to do that don’t involve my ramblings.
So. For now, consider your friendships. Are they positive, long-lasting, and collaborative? If not…maybe it’s time to look for new friends.
If they are, and you’re looking to shout their praises from the rooftops, then come back next week.
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