It’s Still Here

Oh, excuse me, I didn’t know anyone was in here. I was just looking for somewhere to hide for a minute.
Do you mind if I join you? I’ll be quiet, I promise.
Thank you.
Hmm? Oh, no. I’m okay.
I’m just…well…I’m depressed.
But that’s nothing new, so don’t worry about me.
Please, you looked like you were doing something important; don’t let me interrupt. I just needed a break.
Oh, a break from life, I think. A break from humans, and feelings, and doing things. From laundry and emails and insurance and sadness and lonely people. There’s nowhere I can really hide from those things, but I can try to shut them out for a few minutes.
Really, I’m okay. I mean, I’m not okay. But I’m not dying or anything.
Okay, yes, you’re right. We’re all dying. Thanks for pointing that out. You’re really good at pep talks.
It’s fine, I know what you meant. I’m not mad. I’m just weary.
Because even after years of therapy and conversations and medication and journaling and prayer and trying to hide away in quiet rooms even for just a few minutes, it’s still here.
The depression. It’s still here. It still hurts to breathe sometimes.
No, I don’t have Covid. Well, I did back in October. But that’s not what I mean. I mean it hurts to be alive. The sadness and exhaustion and hopelessness actually physically hurt.
And then sometimes I don’t feel them. They’re still here; they just don’t hurt. I don’t know how else to explain it.
Yeah, medication does help. Honestly, things have been better lately. But the last few days, I don’t know. It’s just…still here.
Good thought, yes. I’ll take a few deep breaths.
That did help. I mean, it’s still here. But I’m calmer.
I need to get going, too. I need to get back to doing the things and talking to the people and living the life.
Thanks for listening. I didn’t really expect to find someone to listen right now, but it was…nice.
Yes, I promise I’ll be okay.
Maybe I’ll see you around somewhere. But if I do…can we not talk about this? It’s just easier not to acknowledge it sometimes.
Thank you. I hope you have a really great rest of your day.