Five Years of Searching for Gratitude

If you’ve been around here for a bit, you know that I’ve been trying to practice gratitude in all of life. As difficult as gratitude can be, I know it’s the secret to contentment in all circumstances and true joy even when things get tough. I focus on it in different ways, trying to cultivate a general attitude of gratitude. (Yikes, what a terrible rhyme.)  

But there’s one area of life that I’ve been trying to practice gratitude in very specifically for five years now, and honestly, it’s not going so well.

Five years ago, today, one of my best friends left this earth. It felt sudden, unfair, and even unkind.

And ever since then I’ve been trying to be grateful that she was ever in my life at all. I’ve been trying to remember that I did not deserve her; she was a gift. I’ve been trying to practice moments of gratitude as I recognize things that she loved or hated or created. But as the years go by without her, this is continuing to prove difficult.

I think the main reason is because I don’t have a clue who I would be today if she hadn’t been in my life.

Heck, I don’t even know if I’d be alive today without her.

I can’t picture life without her and think, “Oh, this is how my life would have been different, so this is what I can be grateful for.”

Instead, what I keep doing is looking at her absence in my life now. Wishing she was here for an event or a phone call or to be a guest on my podcast. She’s not here, and seeing that makes it hard to be grateful.

But I did have her.

And I keep finding ways that she influenced me or changed me or taught me. Like at my new job, where I have inexplicably started helping with some décor things like photo booths and candle stations. Which she completely prepared me for without me ever knowing she was preparing me.

Or how to lead and empower volunteers.

Or how to cut hair.

Or how to stay in a church when it’s difficult.

Or how to care for a fish.

The list just goes on. And I want to see all those things and be grateful.

I think that what I’m discovering is it’s really difficult to look at someone’s absence and still feel gratitude. So instead I’m trying to look not at her absence but at where she still is in my life. To see how she’s still influencing, changing, and teaching me. To notice where she is still present instead of absent. And to reflect on that presence with a smile on my face.

I know I’m not the only person to face this difficulty. So tell me. What do you do when you feel the absence of someone important to you?