The Absence of Gratitude

We all know I’m going to write about gratitude, so let’s just get it over with. It’s obligatory not only because it’s Thanksgiving week, but also because gratitude is one of the values I’m working on this year. See, every year when we get close to December I have an, “Oh shit” moment where I realize I have completely forgotten the things I said I’d work on in January and now I have to cram 12 months’ worth of life lessons into one month of living. January Ashleyne is very ambitious, December Ashleyne swears a lot and tries to learn giant concepts like “gratitude” and “empathy” in less time than it takes a frog egg to turn into a tadpole.

So I’ve been thinking about gratitude, like most of us this week have, but my brain has put an odd spin on it: I’ve been thinking about how gratitude doesn’t really have an opposite.

I can be grateful for something or not grateful for it. But there’s not one specific antonym for gratitude.

Bear with me while I try to explain.

Let’s say I come home from work and am hungry for dinner and I open the fridge to see a container of leftovers. I could choose to feel grateful that I have food. But if I don’t feel grateful, I might feel any other way. I might not feel anything. Or I might feel annoyed that I have to eat leftovers. Or I might feel embarrassed that I cooked way too much kung pao chicken. Or I might feel angry that my roommate left the lid off my leftovers. There’s no single opposite to gratitude, all the emotions are possible.

But no matter what emotion I feel, I can still choose gratitude. If I feel annoyed that I have to eat leftovers, I can then choose to be grateful that I have food at all. If I feel angry that my roommate left the lid off, I can choose to feel grateful that I have food to share with her. (This does not happen, in case you were wondering. No need to storm my home in protest.)

What I’m trying to say is that the absence of gratitude is not a specific negative thing. The absence of gratitude means living without noticing the good in a situation unless it is forced on you through your emotions. A life without gratitude means your experience is at the mercy of how you feel.

And I don’t want to be at the mercy of how I feel.

So I’m suggesting to myself (and to you since you’re reading this) that I reframe the notion of gratitude to be completely independent of how I feel.

I want to notice the good. I want to choose to see things positively. I want to be thankful for what I have even when I don’t feel it.

Which is incredibly difficult for me, but it’s what I want to experience in life.

How are you practicing gratitude this week?