A Season of Grief

If you’ve been paying close attention to my life, you may have noticed that I’ve been to quite a few funerals lately. My therapist said it elegantly earlier this week: “There seems to be a lot of death around you.” It seems I am simply in a season of grief – both my own and that of the people I love.

The death itself is not bothering me. Like many people who struggle with depression, death makes a certain sense to me. It’s the way of all things. I am sad when people die, of course, but usually not angry or lost or confused.

I feel, whether correctly or not, that Death and I have an understanding.

It’s Life that I have difficulty wrapping my soul around.

For someone like me, it can be easy to see life as pain. Pain of loss. Pain of growing. Pain of loving and failing and growing old.

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something,” said the Man in Black.

I tend to agree.

I know, intellectually, and somewhere deep in my soul, that life is also beautiful. I know that I need to cherish the little moments and hold my loved ones near and live, laugh, love, rinse, repeat. I have that knowledge. But when I get too tired, too many people around me are weary, and the sky is grey (like, literally – I haven’t seen the sun in weeks) I have trouble holding onto that truth.

The best sidekick of all time once said, “There is good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.”

And some days I know that and can hold onto it. And others…I forget. And I have to find ways to remember.

Or, if remembering is not on the table because the season of grief is that long, I have to look beyond Death and Life.

Because I love and follow Jesus, I sometimes turn to worship songs when I’m struggling (not always; I have a long and complicated history with worship music that is a topic for another time.) And this week, I’ve found myself listening to one song on repeat, just over and over throughout the days.

Here’s the part I keep coming back to:

I’m gonna live like my King is risen
Gonna preach to my soul that you’ve already won
And even though I can’t see it I’m gonna keep believing
That every promise you made is as good as done

Mav City Music

In my life, Jesus commands Death and Life. Whether there is good in this world or not, I believe in Jesus. Whether I fear death or not, I believe that Jesus knows better than I do what death is like, and what life should be.

So, honestly, it doesn’t matter to me in those moments whether there is, in fact, goodness and joy around me. Because no matter how I feel, Jesus is worthy of my song.

Have you ever struggled to see the good in the world? What do you do when that happens? How do you get through seasons of grief?