The Myth of Improvement

I’M STILL MENTALLY ILL

I realized this week that it’s been a while since I wrote about mental illness. So long, actually, that you might have found yourself wondering: “Is Ashleyne still mentally ill?” Why, yes, in fact! I am still mentally ill. And it’s looking like that will be true for the rest of my life.

So today, I’d like to talk about the myth of improvement and how progress, healing, and growth are not actually tied to improvement. Sound good? Excellent. Pour a cup of coffee, and let’s chat.

In case you’re new here or have just forgotten some things, here’s a brief overview of my situation:

I started going to therapy as an adult and discovered that the way I felt wasn’t just a string of bad days; I was clinically ill. Since then, I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, and I’ve been on at least ten different medications to manage those illnesses. I’ve seen four different therapists, two psychiatrists, and two handfuls of doctors. I also have insomnia, which is a chicken and egg problem with mental illness, so three cheers for that. In the world of mental illness, I’m your garden variety patient. Nothing crazy, but enough to send my clinicians to Aruba for a week once a year.

IT GOES IN CYCLES

Over the last ten years of dealing with my mental illness, I’ve learned that I go in cycles. My depression and anxiety will be at manageable, normal levels for months, and then something will shift. I’ll suddenly become hopeless and exhausted or twitchy and wild, and it will last for a few days, no matter what I do.

Now, that’s not to say I’m not also triggered by circumstance. That’s absolutely true. My depression is at its worst when I’m bored, and my anxiety is at its worst when I’m under relational stress. But then there are the cycles that seemingly have no trigger. They just happen. And all I can do is use my skills and coping mechanisms lean on my friends, and get through.

Last week was one of those times. My anxiety skyrocketed, and I was fighting a panic attack for two days. My friends asked me what was going on, listing things they thought I might be anxious about. (Which is always a joy, by the way, when someone lists all the things you could possibly be stressed about. Nothing quite so calming as having someone tell you all the ways your life could be going wrong.) But I had no real answers. My life is a bit stressful right now, yes, but overall, my anxiety was unwarranted. I was simply in a cycle. Nothing for it but to move through and accept that it just happens sometimes and probably will continue to.

THE MYTH OF IMPROVEMENT

Which led me to think about the idea of improvement in life. Did you know that the concept of society, culture, and people improving wasn’t always a thing? It didn’t show up in humanity until after the birth of Christianity in the early first century.

In Greek writings, for instance, there was no such thing as a happy ending. Life did not improve. It was either a comedy (absurd and silly) or a tragedy (realistic and painful.)

It was only after the introduction of the story of Jesus beating death that the idea of a happy ending started to show up. Christians started talking about God’s grace changing and shaping us, and the world took that idea and turned it into improvement. Since then, we’ve held onto this concept that things are supposed to be slowly and steadily getting better.

Don’t believe me? Look at people’s social media responses to a tragedy or a scandal. “It’s 2024!” Someone might say. “Why are we still dealing with this nonsense?” They’re reacting out of the belief that society is supposed to improve over time. That 2024 should be better than 2023 or 1023.

And in some ways, that’s true. The world does change, obviously. But often, improvement in one area means backsliding in another. Indoor plumbing was certainly an improvement. But not everyone got to use it; many people in the world still don’t. The golden age of technology improves our lives while simultaneously leaving us lonelier and more disconnected than ever. The evil people in the world are not getting fewer—if anything, they’re getting more wealthy and powerful. The passage of time and the changes in the world do not necessarily mean a linear trajectory upward; that’s just the myth of improvement.

CHANGE AND GROWTH

Now, because I believe in Jesus, I do believe people can improve. I think our souls can become healthy, and our hurts can heal. I believe in a God who can and does do miracles, so I think improvement is possible.

But it’s not everywhere. I could list all the ways in which I think the world may always struggle, but neither of us needs that level of depression right now. Suffice it to say that the things we see that haunt us may always exist out there somewhere.

So let’s bring it back to something tangible, back to where we started: my mental illness may never improve. I may always have cycles of depression and anxiety. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still change and grow.

I can learn to listen to my body and rest when anxiety is pushing my limits. I can try to engage in meaningful hobbies and conversations when my depression tells me nothing matters. I can grow to be more empathetic, asking good questions of others and listening to the answers when they are also dealing with mental illness. I can adapt to the reality that things may never improve, becoming a stronger, kinder person.

LETTING GO OF IMPROVEMENT

And I’m finding that the less I hold onto the myth of improvement, the idea that things will get better, the easier it is for me to adapt. I stop wondering, “Why is this still happening?” and start asking, “How can I change my response to this?” It becomes less about managing things outside my control and more about being honest with myself and my feelings. Which is…not easy. But possible. At least a tiny bit possible.

What do you think? Have you considered the myth of improvement? I’d love to hear how you adapt to the difficult things in your life.