Confusing Your Enemies

WHY THIS TOPIC?

For no other reason than “I feel like it,” I have decided that this week, we are going to discuss the idea of confusing your enemies. It’s a concept recently and expertly suggested by the great football club owner Rebecca Welton to her team manager, Ted Lasso, but it’s been a classic play by underdogs and sneaky strategists since the dawn of war. It has nothing to do with anything I’ve been thinking about this week, and I am delighted to discuss it with you.

Since you may have some questions, I’ll pause for a bit of context:

Some weeks, when it comes time to write a blog post, I already have an idea, and things go relatively smoothly. On other weeks, I either pause to think and ask myself questions about the week, or I go straight into the archives for ideas. You can read about the metaphorical archives here if you wish, but like many practiced writers, I have an actual archive of writing scraps and ideas. A good portion of these are useless; most of it doesn’t make sense even to me at this point, and some of it is so terrible it should have been destroyed immediately in Mount Doom. Whenever I go into the archives, I scroll past these things, assuming they may spark inspiration someday.

And this week, eureka! I found a scrap of writing I’ve kept in my archives for who knows how long. Seriously, I’ve no idea how old it is. I also don’t know specifically why I wrote it, how many times I’ve transferred it to different scrap documents, or what I planned to do with it. It’s useless and silly. And it’s time to write about it.

I’M NOT A POET

The scrap in question is a poem. Now, I am not a poet. Maybe I could be if I cared to practice—I don’t know—but it’s not a skill I have ever honed. I don’t consider myself adept at poetry. I don’t even read much poetry. (However, if you are on Instagram and not following @maryoliversdrunkcousin, what are you even doing with your life?)

Despite my lack of poetical know-how, I do know this: the scrap poem was written as a response to someone having a negative opinion about me. Like I said, I can’t offer you specifics because I don’t remember them. Maybe they argued with me about an idea in my blog. Or perhaps they laughed meanly at me when I was dancing. They might have spoken judgment about my love for Carrie Underwood and country music. I seriously don’t know.

CONFUSING YOUR ENEMIES

But my response, as a writer, was to type out a little poem. I did it because I knew, instinctively, that the way opposite of war isn’t peace: its creation. Wait, did I steal that from RENT? Whoops, I did.

Okay, so my instincts are not that good. My instinct, in reality, was to basically say, “Well, $@#% you.” But I said it in a nice little rhyming form. Why did I write it in a weird poem instead of just saying, “$@#% you?” Because it’s confusing. And confusion keeps people from judging. Confusion keeps people from immediately winning, from pushing to the top, from piling onto the frustrations and outrages and injustices. It’s like a giant pause button. It won’t save you in the long run, but it stops the current problem in its tracks.

In other words, confusing your enemies can’t be your only strategy for survival, but it can take the pressure off a heated moment. And it’s a hell of a lot of fun.

THE POEM IN QUESTION

And even though I don’t think you even need to read the poem to understand what I’m saying, I’m sure you’re all dying to know what I wrote. So here it is:

i’m a little fruitcake

raised by fruitcakes

they’re all fruitcakes, too

and when fruitcakes love other fruitcakes

we disturb people like you

Like I said, absurd. And I don’t think I even shared it with the person in question. (Maybe I did, and I don’t remember? Hmm. Does anyone know a good hypnotist?) But if I had, it would have confused them so delightfully that the whole point of the conversation would have been lost. I would not have “won,” but neither would they.

WHO CARES?

Now, you may be wondering, and very justifiably so, why on earth do I feel like bringing this up now when I can’t even remember the situation in which it was relevant? That is an excellent question. It’s because, at least in this country, voting season is coming. And judgment, anger, frustration, and fear are starting to take over a lot of conversations. And I often feel like we don’t have a lot of resources at our disposal to deal with these difficult circumstances.

So I wanted to offer one. It is an absurd, ridiculous option for when things get out of hand. And it is this: confuse your enemies. In fact, if you’d like, you’re welcome to use my poem to do it. Just slap it right into those Facebook comments and see what happens. You won’t win, but then again, no one really does in conversations like those. But you will have fun.

Of course, as I wrap up this post, I’d like to say that my use of the word “enemies” was absurd in itself and that we should all, myself included, take a moment to consider whether or not we have actual enemies or if the system and darkness are the real enemies here? But that’s a post for another week. Or never at all. Because you see, I am a fruitcake. Raised by fruitcakes. And they’re all fruitcakes, too.