WHY AM I STILL ANGRY?
Now, two weeks after my book launch, I’ve had the luxury of asking myself the question: Why, exactly, am I angry with God? Why am I still experiencing negative emotions about those unanswered prayers? Why does it still bother me that my books didn’t arrive when I asked for them to?
The answer is simple: I had allowed myself to hope.
See, in my prayers about the books, I asked God to use their timely arrival to symbolize his goodness to me.
All my life, I’ve seen the world with overtones of grey. I do see happiness and joy and bright moments, but they’re clouded with darkness. A friendly phone call from a friend is obscured by my social anxiety of saying the wrong thing. The good news about a clear biopsy gets overshadowed by the stress of dealing with insurance. I know this about myself, and I’ve tried various techniques, prayers, and practices to change.
QUESTIONING GOD
But in recent months, I’ve really been questioning the goodness of God. I believe in him. I know he is good and kind. But I don’t see it.
So I asked him to prove it. I asked him to prove his goodness and his kindness to me by bringing the books on time. A simple task for the Creator of the Universe, right?
I asked him, and I allowed myself to hope.
And so, when the books didn’t come, my hopes crashed off a cliff and shattered on the rocks below.
UNANSWERED PRAYERS
Allowing yourself to hope for good things, for answers to your prayers, for proof that God is good and powerful? That’s dangerous. When you allow yourself to hope, unanswered prayers become a painful sucker punch to your theology and understanding of the world. Unanswered prayers that you really, really hoped for can make you doubt everything you believe in.
Personally, unanswered prayers make me never want to hope for something again. I want to just say, “Fine, God. I’ll believe intellectually that you are good and that you know better, and I’ll never ask for something specific. I’m over your mysterious ways. Do whatever the hell you want.”
But somehow, I can’t do that. Choosing to believe that God is too mysterious to ever answer my prayers? That is the beginning of the long and torturous death of my soul. Although I don’t understand why God didn’t do this simple thing for me, I know that becoming bitter about it won’t help me. God can handle my anger, but I can’t handle my long-term bitterness without taking it out on others and myself.
NOW WHAT?
So what am I going to do about it?
Great question.
I guess, for starters, I am going to ask God for help with this. Counterintuitive? Yes. Frustrating and demoralizing and painful? Also yes. But I want to believe.
One of my favorite lines in all the Bible comes from a time when this random guy tentatively asks Jesus for a miracle. Jesus comments on the man’s lack of belief, and my dude comes back with, “I want to believe! Help my unbelief!” That’s how I feel. I want to believe, but I don’t know how.
So, I will ask God to help me believe in what I cannot see. I will go to him for help when the darkness overshadows the light. And, in time, I will return to my knees, hoping again for something that feels impossible without God’s goodness.
HOPE
For the record, I’m still angry with God about this and other things. But I’m also ready to feel differently. So, I’m going to take little steps to move forward.
Despite the danger, what are you hoping for right now?
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