How Much Do You Love Me?

How much do you love me?

Every day, I ask this question—I think we all do. We want to know. How much am I loved? How big and how high is the love that my people feel for me?

And the answer can’t be just words. It’s not enough to say, “To the moon and back,” or, “More than yesterday.” Words matter, of course; I’ve made a living on words being important.

But our actions show what’s important to us. They back up what we say. How we treat people, how we listen, how we show up, that’s how people know how much you love them.

And for most people, I know they love me enough.

They love me enough to remember my birthday. They love me enough to send me a Christmas card or an kind text after a death in the family. They love me enough to like my Instagram posts or ask how my day is going.

But that’s the surface. That’s the easy love, the kind we can do with barely a thought. It’s meaningful, of course, and please don’t discount how much the little things matter.

However, beyond the easy love, I think we all want to know how much more our people love us. How far past easy and simple does that love last? And we each ask it in different ways.

For me, when I ask, “How much do you love me,” I really mean:

Do you love me enough to believe what I say the first time I say it? To not just remember my birthday, but to remember how I like to spend it? Do you love me enough to laugh at the ridiculous jokes I got from my father? To tell me, gently, when I’m wrong? Do you love me enough to ask, “Do you want solutions or support right now?” And to actually hear the answer? To be honest when you’re hurting, without covering it up with jokes or excuses?

Do you love me enough to let me be me, and let the chips fall where they may?

Now, of course, we all make mistakes. And we all have strengths and weaknesses—not everyone is going to love you perfectly all the time. We can’t love every single person like this, we’d never have time to eat or sleep!

But I think it’s important to understand that there are levels to love, and that we all want to know the answer to the question, “How much do you love me?” Because if I know you are asking that question, I can be looking for ways to answer it with my actions, my attention, and my vulnerability. It’s hard work to love well and love deeply. But it’s the most important thing and the only thing that lasts.

It’s also helpful to know, for ourselves, what communicates love. The Five Love Languages are a great start, obviously, but they don’t include things like laughing at ridiculous jokes. Knowing that about myself and communicating it to others creates an opportunity for them to love me better. Even if imperfect, I feel loved knowing that you try.

So. When you ask the question, “How much do you love me,” what do you really want to know? In other words, what are some specific ways that you feel loved?