As someone who experiences social anxiety, I operate as a bit of a scientist when it comes to polite societal interactions. I observe behavior, I experiment with my observations, and I adapt my behavior in accordance with my findings.
Specifically, I observe, experiment, and adapt when it comes to polite phrases.
Example: One of my most successful phrase adoptions over the past couple of years has been, “It’s good to see you!”
I find this phrase incredibly helpful, as it indicates no emotional status on my end other than a positive experience of the other person’s presence. I could be having the worst day of my year so far, could have been crying in the bathroom moments before, and could be wishing to heaven I was at home in my sweatpants, but being in your presence is still good. The phrase consistently communicates one thing and that thing is positive.
Because of this scientific approach to polite phrases, I also tend to notice phrases that do not work. Similar to Unhelpful Platypuses, these phrases tend to cause mixed emotions, communicate inconsistent ideas, and often end in the other person trying to sort out my motives.
Example: One of the more confusing phrases I’ve encountered and experimented with is, “You look good.”
As a point of interest, you should know that I currently do look good. I’m up lean muscle mass and down body fat and my skin is relatively clear and I’ve recently had a professional haircut. From a physical appearance perspective, I’ve got it going on right now.
But if you see me and tell me, “You look good,” (or its more sophisticated elder brother, “You’re looking very well!”) what does that communicate? As soon as you say it, my mind starts to whirl. Perhaps, in the past, I have not looked well and you neglected to tell me? Or it is positive, in your mind, that I have a good physical appearance, and I should try to keep that up? What does it mean if next time I see you, you don’t tell me that I look good? Do I honestly even care if you think I look good?? I DON’T KNOW! So much internal angst from one phrase, my goodness.
To wrap up: my point is simple. Words matter and we can choose them carefully. I do not always succeed at this, but I am making a concerted, scientific effort.
What polite phrase bothers you? I know there is one. (Extra points if the one that bothers you is, “It’s good to see you.”)
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